Friday, August 27, 2004 ____ 03:31 p.m.
[music] "the district sleeps alone tonight" by the postal service

ah i hate when i have to like summarize a whole week. i can barely even remember yesterday... friday i worked at night. other than that no idea ? saturday i went to the pre-family reunion & met all these relatives i had never even seen before. it was ok. got all mad at night. sunday back to the family reunion for the whole day. almost cried. i swear i have ADD now. i couldnt sit still. came home & called kerry back & i met her, charlie, & pat @ chili's. got a soda. went to the movies & saw "without a paddle." it was funny & got home around 1. talked to kel on the phone til like 3:30. monday woke up at 9:30ish & showered & then got kelly & we went to belmar. beaccchhh.. yay. didnt get there til like 11:30 & we stayed til only like 3ish. it was fun though. i got a little tan. then came home & showered. we were supposed to stay out all night & have a hotel party. ha. didnt happen though. went to chris' house. ah it was weird. very weird. i dunno. but i officially cant say i am anymore. ha. then tuesday went to ross. i love discount stores. hehe. kel called so i got her & we drove to freehold mall. took the wrong exit & got lost but finally got there. bought underwear & candy. came home & went to chris'. kel & ricky were supposed to come & go swimming but it was too cold :P. wednesday went to ross again haha. got 3 bras, a tanktop, & a tommy hilfiger purse all for $15.46. haha. then went to linens & things to try & decide on what colors i want in my room. didnt work. came home. went to work at 5. ah lovely night not really. came home & was mad cuz chris wouldnt pick up his phone & he finally called me back late all drunk & shit. blah. whatever. thursday went looking for jobs. applied at justice & saw chris' friend brandy. she's cool. then drove to other places & then went back to chili's. i am almost definitely getting a job there now. i was so ecstatic. already talked to the manager & everything. supposed to call back when i get back from LBI. then i went to kel's & we drove to marshalls & mcdonalds & then sat in the crockett parking lot.. then i brought her to work at 4:30 & came home. chris called & i went over his house for some football, beer, & pizza. weitz, kristen, sara, ricky, scott, katie, jay & his gf were all there too. it wasnt bad but by the end of the night i was so pissed off. ah i hate chris. he makes me so mad all the time & i dont even know why. i left at 11:30 & i think he's mad at me but u know what, fuck him. ;] i talked to kel for awhile & then went to sleep. today didnt do anything at all. im so lazy. showered. ate. thats about it. i have to work 5-10. dont know about after. putting in my 2 weeks tomorrow. hell yea. sunday leaving for LBI til next saturday with kel. it shall be fun. whOo.

"i am finally seeing, that i was the one worth leaving."

Friday, August 20, 2004 ____ 03:39 p.m.
[music] "to the end" by my chemical romance

ahhhh my life is fuckin shit. fuckin shoot me. im sick of all this crap. i hate worrying. i hate being on the verge of losing my best friend. i hate feeling violated. it's horrible.

in other news, heh wednesday went back to sleep til around 4. chris showed up & i was pissed lol. sat outside talking in my pjs & all nasty & smelly. then went to work 5-10. it was ok. scott said he feels bad for any guy who ever takes me out. worked with a new kid mike who atleast isnt freakishly annoying. after work went home. thurday layed around. talked to kel. randy went over there apparently & they talked for awhile. ah that had me paranoid... & pissed. went to party city & saw mike & got an application. went to acmoore. came home. chris came over & we went swimming lol. then ate dinner. then i drove over to chris' around 8. layed around. played video games. watched 'the rock'. it was interesting/weird/ok/good. i dunno. whatever. came home. talked to chris again. randy called & him & andrew came over. very interesting. [theres a rumor we were holding hands at prom; joe's mom yelled at him about the pictures; i had fun atleast, did you have fun?; she said she doesnt talk to ricky anymore] lalala. just talked to them in andrew's mom's car for a lil bit. then went back to bed. today layed around & did nothing. showered. weed'd in the backyard. lol exciting. watched some spongebob. im so lazy. & i feel like crap. ahhh. talked to kelly. she's pissed that somehow randy found out about ricky. ah just fuckin shoot me already...

"would you bury me? or would you carry me to the end...?
"say goodbye to the lies you take. say goodbye to the life you make.. say goodbye to the hearts you break."

Wednesday, August 18, 2004 ____ 11:22 a.m.
[music] "the jetset life is gonna kill you" by my chemical romance

so im trying to update more so i dont forget. monday slept in. drove to acme, the library, the bank, & walmart. chris called & i went over there & played playstation with him & his nephew. heh. i got my ass kicked. then we watched full house. ha. his nephew is so cute. at 7ish i drove us to applebees & we ate with weitz & kristen. then we went back to his house, i went home, & then he picked me up to see the manchurian candidate with weitz, kristen, kelly, & ricky. it was good. really long. & i could barely stay awake. ah came home & yea. i dont know went to bed. tuesday layed around all day. matt called me to go to the mall but i said no. ha. im lazy. played some n64. went to work at 5. by myself for an hour then daisy came so i just did my usual cool shit. ooo yea work is awesome. not really. after work i just came home. & that was it. first day in awhile i didnt see chris. lol. weird. today just got up awhile ago. thrilled like you wouldnt believe to be in massive pain. ahhh i can stop being paranoid lmao. nothing to do today besides work again at 5. lalala. cant wait.

"for the last night i lie, can i lie with you?"

Monday, August 16, 2004 ____ 12:25 a.m.
[music] "you know what they do to guys like us in prison" by my chemical romance

ok so i dont remember anything at all. but um yea im stupid. after i wrote that entry randy called while with andrew & joe & we all went to dunkin donuts at 2am, drove over thrill hill & all through yardville, & then hung out at randys til 5 am. lMFAO. i should be shot. [you're an asshole blah blah blah... then again im the one sitting in your bed with no shirt on..] anyway. tuesday i worked 5-10. was gonna go to applebees but hung out with chris & just chilled at his house. wednesday thought i had to work but was off. dont remember anything. thursday worked 5-10. chris stopped by. didnt do anything after. friday me, chris, & ricky were supposed to go to wildwood to see kel but it was all rainy. instead me, chris, ricky, dq, & weitz(sp?) went to freehold mall. lol. fun. then me & chris hung out for a lil bit at his house. came home. chris came later & we went to sara's & then tacobell & mcdonalds & then went back to chris' house & just hung out. left that kinda weird. saturday kel came home! went to iccarras & QB with kel. then TJ maxx. haha cause i couldnt get to marshall's. then called chris & we met kel & ricky at the movies. saw garden state. it was ok but chris thought it sucked. went to a diner to eat then home. sunday, today. couldnt sleep all last night & then had to get up early for church. then stopped at cvs to check my schedule, only to find out i was supposed to already be there. went home, changed, went to work from 11:30ish til 4:00. it was ok. afternoons are easy as hell. got my paycheck with no fuckin raise on it. came home. ate & stuff. went to dans for a bbq with dan, matt, matt, & mike. sat around. left around 9:30 & then chris came over & we watched a movie & played n64 lol. my house is boring. whatever. now im sitting here.. bored. cant wait to see what my mom will say to me tomorrow morning. yay. lol. tomorrow no work or anything. gonna sleep....

"life is but a dream..."

Tuesday, August 10, 2004 ____ 12:23 a.m.
[music] "magazines" by brand new

hm. lalala. ahh i cant remember anything!! lol well friday i had gone to oxford valley with kel & then to dans. saturday kelly left for wildwood. hung out all day.. worked 5-10 at night. went to weitz's house. it was fun :] ahh well mostly. saw justin, phil, dom, & dave.. ahh brought back memories. & ryan showed up, stupid ass. got drunk so i was happy. randy called & made me mad. slept on the couch with chris heh. it was interesting. sunday at 9:30 phil called me like he promised. hehe. went home around 10. begged my dad & then my mom to let me go to warped tour. it was fun as hell. took forever for everyone to meet up. it was dom, phil, jim, jim p, chris p, greg, angelo, justin, ron, & me. i was pimpin it. hellllz yea. lol. just followed them all around like a loser. came home around 9:30 & hung out with matt forawhile. then today slept til 1 cause i was so tired. went to ruths & stopped at mccaffreys lol. washed our cars & ate ice cream. came home & talked to chris. went out to eat at antonio's & then to his house for a bit, then destinta to see harold & kumar go to white castle. lmao. it was funny. back to his house then home.. then now. sitting here talking to matt, steve, dan, & chris... later.

"i cant see why i feel so lonely, when you & i could be so perfectly perfect together."

Friday, August 6, 2004 ____ 12:59 a.m.

hm. so. i've forgot about being scared. but now that i remembered... im paranoid again. hm lets see. i did end up going to dans barbecue with matt, matt, & mike. sunday, slept in, no church. went to see ali play baseball with kelly, then brought ali home, drove to princeton & got candy. got lost. met ricky & chris @ stewarts', went back to ricky's house, then went to the movies & saw I,Robot. it was ok. ah. monday went to the beach with kel, tori, caitlyn, & lindsay. ended up driving everyone. it was ok tho. got mooned & got the finger a bunch of times on the way home. stayed home the rest of the day & slept. tuesday worked 5-10, went with kel & ricky & chris to dennys' then chris'. was fun :] wednesday beach with matt. layed around while he surfed. didnt get much tanner. worked again. chris came & visited. then went to his house again after work & watched old school. well some of it anyway. today, slept in til 12:30ish, went to the bank & the mall. got underwear at delias. went home, showered, went to chris' & watched tv for a lil while then went to oxford valley mall. (aka going to kohls, visiting kelly, & back to QB again) we didnt even get anything.. brought him home & then came home. i wanted to hang out with him again but i didnt know what to say to my mom ? i dont know what to do about him. i really dont. im so confused lately. went to dans tonight & watched them light balloons with butane & then watched the beginning of super troopers. just got in a fight with matt about how im a horrible person for what i did. ["i hate you for doing that"] and now i feel like shit. i dont think i can be friends with him anymore... & i really wanna do what i did again. oooo so much. i really am a horrible person.

Saturday, July 31, 2004 ____ 12:16 p.m.
[music] "she's gonna break soon" by less than jake

i am so scared. i dont know what to do with myself. im paranoid & its killing me inside. & i will have to suffer for the next couple weeks as it is. i dont know what to do. theres nothing i really can do i guess ? but if this turns out for the worse... i seriously will kill myself. im gonna break :*[

anyway, yea wednesday hung out with kelly, went to see a psychic. supposedly i am happy & confused in my relationship with a guy, i have 2 guys who like me but will soon be happy with one of them, i should go into medicine, & i will live between the ages of 89-94. god i hope i die before then. then me & kelly just drove around. i dont really remember. then went to work. came home. hung out with matt. then randy called & we decided to "just be friends." first of all, what were we before? and second.. being "just friends" means i'll never talk to him again. that's held up so far heh. then thursday went to lisa's house from 1-5:30. played croquet, watched boy meets world & 7th heaven, & made cookies. lol t'was fun. then my mom wouldnt let me go anywhere cause it was "too late" to drive so matt came over & we went for a walk. friday picked up kelly around 1:30, drove around, went to target & shoprite, nothing to do. brought kel home then went to saladworks. hadnt eatin all day so i was starving. [hey, hey, saw you at lisas, yep, *wave bye*] lmao. my life is complete shit. then went to work 5-10. then matt called & i went swimming over at dans around 11. had to be home at 12 cause i cant drive past then. ha. i hate that. then i got in a fight with matt at like 2am about being a vegetarian. damn i hate that. today i just woke up not too long ago. need to find somewhere to go all day today & something to do tonight. might go over dans for a barbecue if im still invited. heh. ... lalala. gotta find somewhere to go. ahh im so scared & my life is shit.. i might as well go kill myself. i really should.

"she's gonna break soon, gonna break soon, she's gonna break."

Tuesday, July 27, 2004 ____ 03:51 p.m.
[music] "perfect" by midtown

wow i havent written in awhile. too much to write. friday happy birthday to me! now 17. got my license "barely". picked up kel & drove around in the pouring rain getting lost. went to brothers & carvel & got kerry a fudgie the whale cake :] came home & did nothing. at 1ish went to andrews with randy. heh. watched harry potter. saturday slept in. went to the mall with my sister & she got me a gwen stefani LAMB purse :] yay got my schedule at work.. drove around with matt at night with nowhere to go. came home then went to andrews' again with randy & andrews bro was there. ["randy you're going to hell"] eh. bad night. sunday drove to church & the vbs picnic. came home. drove to cvs with my sister. went to work at 5. fun. not. wasnt that bad cause it was just me kerry ken & mary ann. was gonna go to randys' but he never called back. whore. monday picked up kelly & drove to oxford valley mall. ha got lost on the way home in trenton. funny stuff. dropped kelly off then went home & packed to sleep over kels.. then drove back & went to seaside with ricky, kristin, scott, & weitz? it was ok. then went to blockbuster & acme & cvs. lmao. we're losers. got home & go to put in the movie & it was "perfect strangers" instead of "perfect score" lmao. went back to blockbuster then just watched the movie & fell asleep. randy kept calling me & texting me over & over... aka matt. lmao. but then matt kept texting me too lol. ah. today got up & brought kel to work at 10. came home. sweeped the driveway. showered. layed around. talked to randy... now i have an hour i gotta go to work :[ ugh. shitness. then home laying around, then randys' if he doesnt fall asleep by then... later

"this time i think, it could be perfect"

Thursday, July 22, 2004 ____ 11:33 p.m.
[music] "creatures (for awhile)" by 311

lalala. happy birthday to meeee in 27 minutes ;D ugh. last night continued to do nothing. watched candyman on tv & got scared shitless. lmao. randy called saying he'd stop by later but never came or called back again. whatever. vbs again today ofcourse. last day. hehe. yay. it actually went by fast... this whole week went by way too fast. i thought with all the crappy shit it would go by so slow. after vbs just sat around, went to the dmv with daddy. ahh im so scared :[ we drove through the road test even though you're not supposed to. im so nervous i could puke. i almost just started crying. i know im gonna forget all the stupid stuff like turn signals & stop signs. i did however parallel park twice, both perfectly. i didnt remember til tonight though that you have to signal the whole time heh. came home & did nothing. went with daddy to the dead end & parallel parked a few more times... every time right next to the damn curb too. the only thing is i havent done it between anything & im so scared im gonna fuck it up & hit the cones... thats like the only thing im even worried about but its killing me. ah. if i dont pass tomorrow i dont know what i'll do with myself... and if i do pass, i have no idea what i'll do with myself. haha. ah. keep forgetting that tomorrow's not only my test but my birthday :] yay for me. i wanna go buy myself some presents...

"its been a wild ride. i wouldnt change a minute..."

Wednesday, July 21, 2004 ____ 10:55 p.m.
[music] "calm before the storm" by fall out boy

ofcourse when i say i want a visit, i dont get one. :( i was kinda sad. yesterday went to vbs ofcourse. afterwards all the youth went to panarro's or w.e. & got food then drove over to princeton battlefield. i drove over with ruth & we stayed for an hour or so. mad cramps all day & once i got home they were 50 times worse. tried to sleep but didnt work :( mommy called me out of work at like 4:40 lol. now im gonna be off work for over a week :D but yea. so i just went back to sleeping. it was nice... layed around. kel called at 10:30ish & we talked til 1:30. good times. i miss our late night convos :( randy text me a bunch of times & called me while i was talkin to kel ha. ["who was that ur boyfriend??"-- "wha??"-- "matt.."--"oh yea, matt" lmao] so. i called him back & him & andrew came over. drove around my block a bunch of times & kept passing all these guys screaming shit heh. amusing. i find it funny how he wouldnt even tell andrew anything. whatever. the whole time it was random comments separated by the constant "grab randys dick" lmao. gotta love andrew. [damn hardcore, she likes me fat, so where do u wanna have sex first?] then we all just fell asleep. so i finally went in at 4:30ish heh. woke up again at 7. drove to vbs today. it was ok. not exciting. came home & re-did my hair & got dressed & went straight to senior-pics. blah. i dont wanna see them. ever. came home, practiced driving a little with my dad. well parallel parking. after driving my car, i cant drive my dads car anymore & it sucks cause i have to drive it for the test. whatever. im sooooo fuckin afraid. im terrified that im gonna fail. & im gonna cry. & i probably wont stop crying for a long time. heh. i nnneeeeed to pass. tomorrow is the last day for me of vbs :) hehe. i was gonna hang out with lisa after but now she cant so who knows... hopefully i'll get to practice parking all day if daddy isnt busy. then friday is my bday :D & hopefully the day i get my license...

"what you do on your own time is just fine, my imagination's much worse..."

Monday, July 19, 2004 ____ 11:34 p.m.
[music] "breathing" by yellowcard

so. hm. yesterday stayed home from work for really no reason & ended up doing nothing but i didnt care too much. awww my night was nice. matt came over at 12 after dans & we sat on my porch & talked for awhile. randy called [i see someone else is already taking my spot?] & text me. gotta love him. he bitched about me hanging with matt. matt left & then randy came around 1ish i guess. we sat on my porch & talked & fell asleep. well i didnt. i was sooo tired & i wanted to just sleep there with him so bad but i knew that if i fell asleep, i wouldnt wake up til my mom came out & found me. lmao. i am such a psycho. but we just layed there forever it seemed & it was nice. comfy. completely. then he left around 2:30ish. ah. today was vbs. wasnt too bad. actually went by about 1,000 times faster than usual. only have 5 kids & they're all good so whatever. only 3 more days. tomm everyone is going out to eat afterwards so i think im gonna skip my pictures & get em done another day... besides its supposed to rain. after vbs today i layed around & cleaned my room & then ruth came over & we sat around doing nothing. went to ritas, drove around, drove by her friends' houses, visited randy heh, & then went to her friend pauls'. it was interesting i guess. came home around 8:30. havent done much since. didnt drive today & i only have 3 more days of practice. aH. im gonna fail. gotta work tomm. im so tired. i need a nap. the smart thing to do would be to go to sleep now but yeaaaaa oooookkkkkk. any visits tonight? who knows... kinda want one.. maybe ;D

"i can feel you breathing..."

Sunday, July 18, 2004 ____ 01:13 p.m.
[music] "start the fire" by no doubt

yea so i worked friday night which was kinda boring. just me kerry & lindsey. went to dans for awhile. randy called & ended up showing up at 1:30ish cause he came home early. heh. we beat eachother in my driveway & sat in my car (yes mine hehe) until 4:30. saturday practiced drove to the mall with my sister. im so proud. i made it there & back heh. bought earrings & a necklace... then went to work again 5-10. me, nicole, cassie, & ken. fun. randy came over at 12 & we sat outside til 1:30ish. [she'll grow to hate you; i guess it got a little bigger; i told him to take you] i honestly have no idea what is going on with him... im so confused. seriously. i keep contradicting myself. went back to watching south park marathon lol & called matt. i love matt. he said he's going to the beach again this week but i have vbs everyday :[ today woke up at 8 & drove to church. my mom actually didnt hold on for her life the whole time. lmao. came home & just been sitting around. i wrote a note that i cant work tonight.. im sick of work. i hate it. its just gotten to be the same shit over & over. i dont care anymore. at 4 i'll decide if i wanna go or not. depends if i magically find something to do. tomorrow starts vbs... im not looking forward to it. at all. i feel bad cause everyone else is all into it.. & im just not. ahh i better not have bad kids heh. or silent ones. anyway, might chill with ruth tomm. who knows. lattteeerrrr...

"come kiss me the way you meant to.."

Friday, July 16, 2004 ____ 01:10 p.m.
[music] "creep" by radiohead

so much for trying to write everyday. again i dont remember anything from the past week. sunday night nothing. monday i hung out with matt for an hour doing absolutely nothing. tues work. wed work. thurs, yesterday i bought a car :D hehe. my dad said he found me a car but i didnt really believe i'd like it cause he's said that a few times now.. heh. but yea. i actually liked it, blue VW passat, 98 but its new looking & its pretty. hehe. so now i have a car but i cant drive it for my driving test since i dont have license plates & all that yet... so i still gotta practice parallel parking in my daddy's car. still havent even attempted it once yet. its gonna be interesting. i drove it home & then i drove it to kelly's house with my daddy lol. ah i cant wait to have my license. me & kel already have all our plans already lmao. ibl on my birthday ;D haha. last night went to the mall with kel, ali, joe, hannah, & nick... didnt buy anything but it was fun. then ricky came to get me & kel & we drove around for like 2 hours & then walked through sayen gardens in the dark which was scary as hell...lol i need a guy. douche-bag called me yesterday.. heh. he's coming home tomorrow. who knows. tonight, tomm, & sun night i gotta work which sucks... then im off monday & working again tuesday. ah my life sucks. monday-thursday i gotta do vbs which is also going to suck majorly. ah. & senior pics sometime this week. & my pills stop tomorrow. wow this really does suck.

"i dont care if it hurts, i wanna have control. i want a perfect body. i want a perfect soul. i want you to notice when i'm not around. you're so fuckin special... i wish i was special....but im a creep."

Sunday, July 11, 2004 ____ 06:29 p.m.
[music] "talk shows on mute" by incubus

hm. nothing to write as always. thursday did nothing all day. friday went driving for awhile with my dad. drove on 130 & stopped to look at cars again & then drove on the turnpike heh. then worked 5-10. me, kerry, rob & dan. me & kerry kept talking the whole time about getting new jobs heh. saturday went to kohl's with mom. bought 3 tanks, 1 black shirt, 2 pairs of earrings, & underwear. then work called so i said i'd come in at 7-10. just me, ken, & ginny. it was ok. talked to kelly for the first time in like 3 days from 12-2. no more boyfriend lol. matt called @ 1ish & i called back but he didnt answer. who knows. today, woke up at 8 to go to church with mom. had to stay for vbs meeting. blah. i have 3rd graders. yay. then got home at like 12:30ish. fell asleep til 4. i cant take getting up early. went driving again with daddy. i drove out in yardville & stuff. worked a little on parking... but yea thats never gonna happen. came home & had 2 missed calls & a text from randy. havent talked to him for the past couple days & i think hes on vacation right now so whatever. douche-bag. tonight there is yg @ joda's but im not going. i have no plans but i realized that i like it that way. lol. im weird but sometimes i just dont care about having nowhere to go. just to lay around & do nothing. wow im a loser. what can i say. oh yea & me & kel decided im having sex on wednesday. yea thats it. bye.

"make them all forget that they're the moth, edging in toward the flame. burning up to obscurity..."

Wednesday, July 7, 2004 ____ 11:09 p.m.
[music] "hotel california" by nerf herder

hm. wed night after i wrote randy did come over. [whats going on. - i dunno - you dunno? - i am oblivious to everything, but you'll be the first person i tell when i know anything] yesterday from what i recall i slept in. talked to kel for awhile then scott called from work asking if i could come in hour early when i wasnt even scheduled. so i ended up going in at 4-9:30, cause i just couldnt take it anymore. rob is fuckin annoying. just stayed home. randy came over yet again. sat outside on my porch. felt like he didnt care anymore for some reason. then text= "why do u like me?" fuckin gay. i hate that. i dont understand anything. i dont understand. what the fuck do u want? & why? whatever. today woke up at 11. impressive. went car shopping with mommy & daddy :) heh. didnt find anything yet. i cant be satisfied. i want a jetta. or anything cute thats not... ugly. i have like 2 weeks left. then went driving with my dad. finally. drove around & actually went on the highway & cool stuff like that. im a pretty good driver... except i dont pay attention to any other cars on the road, signs, or traffic lights. lmao. o well. went to work at 5-10. joanne, scott, & ken were all there & me & janina. it was ok. now im sitting here.. like always. lala. i cant wait to go to lbi with kel. i feel like something is gonna screw it up. we dont talk all the time anymore. we talk for a few minutes like randomnly but we used to talk every night for hours. its just gonna be me & her this time but it should be fun. i can drive by then... fuck yea. once i get my license i will be ecstatic. i wish i could just drive myself to the mall or something... ok this entry is never gonna end if i keep writing. soooo im going to go. stayin home tonight. tomorrow who knows. probably nothing. yay. bye.
"she frowns at the kill, charbroiling on the grill. singing death for no reason, death for no reason is murder."

Monday, July 5, 2004 ____ 11:13 p.m.
[music] "come clean" by hilary duff
yea hilary duff is gay

hm. i really can never remember what i do. i need to start being more of a loser & writing everyday or something. wed & thurs i dunno. fri went to baltimore with mom, dad,& michael cause he had to go to the doctor for a check up. it took forever. went to hard rock cafe & walked around other places. came home at like 6ish.. saturday. slept in. tried making plans with lisa but it didnt work out. wanted to go to the fireworks but ended up going to work instead. talked to kerry rob & steve the whole time so it was ok. after work went with rob to blockbuster & then to dans with rob, dan, matt, matt, & mike. watched "wrong turn." good scary movie. then sunday, july 4th. parents & 3 other couples from church had a picnic over here. fun stuff. just sat inside watching south park which is my new addiction. at night went to dan's at 10ish with dan, matt, katie, matt, mike, & steve. just chilled. played super mario & sat outside talking about working at cvs. dont understand the obsession. later randy called me again. random. came over for awhile. all i have to say is im stupid. mom called me while we were outside.. i was like shit lol. came in & shes sitting at the table like what.. randy?? are you always the break between kellys?? my answer, yes. lmFao. today, woke up at 7:30 to go to the beach with matt & katie but it was raining... matt called again at like 11 to say we'd still go so i got ready & left. didnt get there til like 2 & got home around 9:30ish. it was fun. matt surfed & me & katie just chilled.. went & got fries, got some ice cream & just talked. shes pretty cool i guess. then i actually went in the ocean. go me. took matt's board for awhile but the waves really sucked. just floated on it. heh. fun. stopped at burger king after & then just came home. took a shower. i was so tired but now im like wide awake again. randy text me & he may be stopping by. who knows when though. kelly is supposed to call me back when she gets home... called me today to say that she saw randy & he was talking to her mom. i was like o. wow... everyone is gay.

"lets go back... back to the beginning."
"cause i wanna feel the thunder. i wanna scream. let the rain fall down. im coming clean."

Wednesday, June 30, 2004 ____ 03:15 p.m.
[music] "am i wrong?" by brand new

hm so sunday i started taking my pills. already forgot the next day. heh. monday night i just sat around all night. on the comp. hell yea. couldnt go anywhere anyway. randy called at like 1:30 to go swimmin but my mom flipped out. him & andrew came over around 3ish. sat in my driveway. cause thats the cool thing to do. um... tuesday hung out with ruth all day. we're idiots. heh. got hit on my truck drivers & scary guys at auto shops. lol ["i hate my baby's momma"] we drove around a lot, sat by the pool, visited temple @ pets plus, stopped at temple's house & some girl ashley's, went to acmoore, dollar tree, & partycity... stopped at wendys', made bracelets. lol. yea thats about it. heh. got home again around 10. kelly called at 10:30. ugh & it just made me realize how stupid everything is. [u know it was this week last year right?? omg i'd kill you.. i hated you for doing that] OOPS! ;D too bad im completely screwed now, & for what?? nothing. i dont even get anything good out of it. heh. damnit.

"goodbye, lay the blame on luck."
"it's like glass, when we break. i wish no one in my place."
"i cant stand, i cant find my way. i feel blind. i cant stay too long, am i wrong?"

Monday, June 28, 2004 ____ 03:21 p.m.
[music] "i kissed a drunk girl" by something corporate

hm so its been a week again. last monday i went to the movies w/ kelly & ricky. heh we saw shrek 2 & it was really cute. tuesday worked 5-10. wed kelly & ali left for cali :( i worked again. hung out with randy again. sat in my driveway for 2 hours hitting eachother. just like old times. thursday i felt sick all day & did nothing. same friday. saturday met ruth @ the mall. bought 4 shirts @ ae. stopped at cvs & saladworks on the way back to my house. heh walk in & randy is chillin there with kelli. ha. funny stuff. then went back to my house with ruth & at 5 went to work yet again. i worked by myself just me & ken. then kerry called about going to stay at pat's house in LBI & she picked me up at like 11ish. it was fun. just me, ker, charlie & pat. spent the day sunday layin on the beach & now im so burnt it hurts :( then got home at 4, showered, & went to work yet again at 5-10. came home & chilled til 1ish when randy came over. just hung out again in my driveway lol. exciting. & now im just chillin... lol. tired & burnt as hell. my parents are going to see eric clapton in new york tonight & leavin soon so im home alone with michael & the taylors are coming over for awhile. fun stuff. kelly should be home soon i think?? havent talked to her in a couple days & i miss her!!! :*( she better be home soon & call me... gonna go shower real fast & just chill all night most likely. fffuuuuuunnnnnnnn....

"why do i do, these things i do to myself?"

Monday, June 21, 2004 ____ 03:28 p.m.
[music] "i miss you" by blink182

ah its been over a week. too much to write. lets see. monday was french final. went shopping @ mall with kel & ali. tues pre-calc final. got yearbook. wed didnt go. thurs went to danny b's with him, matt, nick, & mike. friday work. saturday carnival & mall with ruth then bowling with kerry & all them. well really stood in the parking lot for an hour & then went to charlie's house. ah it was scary when he got pulled over. lol. but it was fun. they are all pretty cool. looked at the pics kerry got developed & theres 2 nice ones of my ass. lmao. got home at 2. sunday church. worked 5-10. talked to randy for an hour & a half. yes randy. it was scary. we've had the same conversation a dozen times i swear. hadnt talked to him since the prom. then at 1:45 him & andrew show up & we went for a drive. ha. [omg i cant believe she just said that!] got back at 2:30ish. im such a bad lil girl. i called kelly & ruth a bunch of times last night & today but neither have called me back. i dont know if i even wanna talk to kel. ugh i hate this crap though. its always the same exact thing. same old shit & it just gets stupider. lol. whatever. maybe ill make a new choice this time? spice things up... ? ehhh... maybe not.

"hello there. the angel from my nightmare."

Sunday, June 13, 2004 ____ 02:31 p.m.
[music] "call me" by blondie

hm so. two more finals left. thurs was english & accounting. no idea. fri had history & sociology. both mad easy. already know i got an A in history.. straight A's all year in history. hell yea. now mon & tues i have french & pre-calc. yay. um. friday i worked 5-10. jus the usual. went to play pool with dan, mike, & matt. i played mike the whole time & i actually won once. go me. then stayed til like 1 while dan & mike played. saturday slept all day. met ruth @ amc @ 8 then met her friend collin & temple at taco bell & then went to this girl jess's house & then mcdonalds. pretty much just chilled the whole time. came home at 10:45... @ 11 kerry picked me up to go midnight bowling with her, charlie, george, cy, evan, aaron, & pat. it was cancelled so we just bowled anyway for only like $6. it was fun. ha. [aw he wants a picture of you two! lmao] we played 2-1/2 games. i did horribly. & then charlie threw 2 balls at once & broke the lane. then we went to some diner to eat & sat in the parking lot for awhile cause they all got in a fight. heh. $5 bet.. lmao. anyway. i didnt get home til like 2:30 :/ such a bad girl. today church. sat in the bathroom with ruth, elena, & renee talking about yg & everything. i kinda miss it ? yea i admit it. then i went grocery shopping with my mommy & now im home. work at 5 so i got like 2 hours to do nothing. heellllzzz yea. french final tomm. but i dont really feel like caring. i might look over it after work. ha ya ok.

"cover me with kisses baby. cover me with looovve <33. roll me in designer sheets. ill never get enough."

Wednesday, June 9, 2004 ____ 03:46 p.m.
[music] "coo coo chee" by ric-a-che (thought i'd switch it up a bit)

hm. la. last weekend wasn't so bad considering i worked fri sat & sun night. sat night rob kept calling me to hang out & then showed up at work. lmao. i ended up going midnight bowling with kerry & her boyfriend & his friends. it was fun. havent bowled in forever. 119 was my best. kerry said all the guys thought i was hot. hell yea. sun just worked & thats it. mon school. planned on studying for finals but slept & then talked to mike til like 1. tues last full day of school. aw so sad. i went swimming afterschool & then i went driving finally. so proud. heh. i did pretty good but i just stayed in my neighborhood so it wasnt that hard. today i had health & physics finals. whoo. they sucked. i failed physics. just decided i didnt care anymore cause i didnt know anything. came home @ 12, went to sleep. now im just waiting til i gotta work @ 5. so much for studying for tomm. ha. im pathetic. i need summer. i just need to sleep. ahhh.

"... yea you know you want some."

Saturday, June 5, 2004 ____ 01:59 p.m.
[music] "auf asche" by franz ferdinand

wow i listen to thursday, franz ferdinand, thursday, franz ferdinand... heh. anyway. so thursday i slept all day. yesterday i worked 5-10 & then played pool with dan, matt, & mike. more like sat & watched. matt brought me home last night & we stopped at burger king... aw it brought back memories of driving over peoples lawns & snowball fights. lmao. today i slept til 1. i was actually gonna get out of bed early but, no chance. now 3 hours til i gotta be at work & i havent done shit. working again tonight 5-10. kerry's bf's friend or something came into work last night & thinks im hot lmao... & they all want to go midnight bowling tonight. i was like ummm. kels goin to that kids house again & said she'd take me but i dont know if i want to... :/ ah. blah. tomorrow prob church & then ofcourse work again 5-10. i have to make cookies for french class. heh. im so busy you'd think i had a life. all i wanna do is sslleeeeeeepppp...

"you see her, you can't touch her. you hear her. you can't hold her. you want her. you can't have her. you want to, but she won't let you."

Wednesday, June 2, 2004 ____ 11:26 p.m.
[music] "asleep in a chapel" by thursday

hm. this entry is somewhat exciting... well on my scale of excitement atleast. lets see. tuesday school blah. went to the varsity baseball game at waterfront park. the team kicked ass. me & kel sat in front of these little girls who wouldnt stop screaming & behind all these girls who wouldnt shut up about their ex-boyfriend and now i know their whole like life-story. it was interesting atleast heh. then me & kel went to the unity coffeehouse at school so she could get extra-credit heh. umm.. yea so thats it. heh. today went to school then to the gynecologist. o what fun. wasnt so bad. just prescribed me birth control. whoo. i kinda dont want it anymore... i dont know. i dont like medicine. she also said i needed iron & protein & kept talking about me being a vegetarian & blah. ugh. i hate people like that. i do need to start actually eating healthily. other than that not bad. kinda scared about them finding anything in my pee. lmao. anyway. brought ali back her dress then came home. slept. thats bout it. now im here. i decided to start eating healthy by having lemonade instead of soda & ended up spilling it all over my desk. some guy just called. dont know who. kept talking to some guy about 6-piece chicken nuggets. i was like umm hello.. and after awhile he was like shit i think she hung up. heh. i was gonna call back but it was a private number... voice sounded familiar but i have no idea who. whatever.

"so we'll douse ourselves in gasoline. & hang our bodies from the lamp posts, so that our shadows turn into bright lights."
"still the choir girls sing, 'o lord.. come save us.'"

Monday, May 31, 2004 ____ 11:31 p.m.
[music] "michael" by franz ferdinand

hm. i dont even know whats happened recently. thursday was the independent study fair. its all over. finally. hmm. friday worked. saturday... absolutely nothing. story of my life. sunday i was gonna go to the beach with elise, kamil, emily, jason & a bunch of people but decided not to. didnt want to get up early. ha. thats how lazy i am. got called in to work at 5. had to stay for the meeting at 10. everyone just sat around listening to joanne talk. ha it was funny. dan was drunk. rob was high. james was high. it made my night. finally left after 11 & went to danny b's with rob, mike, dan, matt, & matt. watched sex talk with sue johannsen. my idol. drinking makes me happy. rob brought me home around 12:30ish cause he had to be home. ran around my house like an idiot. talked to kelly about her fun time at ryans house... i miss ryan. today went to the memorial day parade with kelly. then golden dawn. then ali's house with kel & matt. was supposed to go to ryan's but it never happened :( was gonna go to dan's too but eh. had to work again 5-10. time & a half atleast. learned some curse words in japanese from maria. heh. and now i have an english essay due tomorrow on a book i didnt finish reading... goodnight*

"michael you're the boy with the leather hips. sticky hair. sticky lips. stubble on my sticky hips. michael you're the only one I'd ever want. beautiful boys on a beautiful dancefloor. michael you're dancing like a beautiful dance-whore."

Sunday, May 23, 2004 ____ 12:15 p.m.
[music] "steps ascending" by thursday
mmm.. just archived finally. new look maybe soon. havent written in like a month. nothing exciting. independent study paper & presentation finally over, fair is thursday, senior prom is over which ended up not too bad, national honor society packet & induction are over... yep. now just finals & summer :) just to summarize this weekend... friday worked, saturday sick, called out.. today still feeling crappy, work 5-10. tomorrow is the "women supporting women" trip... nothing coming up. actually got up before noon today. impressive stuff... have to clean my room & the basement.. so yea.. later

"as it turned & turned in the streets. one more turn would you come back to me? as it flashed, its bright lights, you were turning into... red roses... red roses... im not giving up"